For those not 'in it'

There are some quotes, scriptures, passages, sayings and songs that you just don't understand fully until you're in it such as, "Divorce is a funeral no one attends."

No one knows how to reply. No one knows how to respond. Even those those who have been through it-theres just not much people can do. It's such a range of emotions and theres no where to go but through it and keep going. Even if you're the one initiating the motion, there's still so much to mourn and so much heartache.

I'm in it. I was 1 whole person, and then became a totally new person as I was joined with another 1 whole person, and now we're apart and I am half a person. I know that math doesn't really add up, but it's truth. That's why divorce is so hard. Two people become one flesh and when that's torn apart - no matter the reasoning, hurts you both have or have caused - it's painful and it sucks.

All will be fine;  I'll just be bee-boppin' along, drinking my morning coffee, jammin' to the new Taylor Swift, going through the day the day, the new norm's and BAM it hits. This gut wrenching ache and pain you didn't even know was humanly possible to survive. This overwhelming sadness, heartache, loss and fear.

I'm in it. I'm trying to figure out how to survive being just half a person.

I've not yet had to handle the death of someone in my immediate world, friends siblings, accuantainces, teachers, grandparents in other states, greats, and step family, but no one too close...yet. And I cannot imagine the pain and difficulty of trying to wrap my brain and heart around the fact that someone is just not here anymore.

In death everyone typically finds out about the loss within a couple days. Everyone pretty much knows exactly what happend. We have a funeral as closure. We send flowers. Cook food. A Shiva call in the Jewish culture. Everyone comes together to mourn that loss, or at least begin that process together... although I'm sure it's a much longer journey thereafter. But those feelings are obvious and its just known that you're hurting and feeling loss.

Life around you keeps existing and it doesn't make sense how it does but it does. People go to work; they are in traffic, in lines at HEB, tweeting away. Life around keeps existing.

Divorce is different.

There's no ceremony.
There's no Shiva Call.
Nothing.

Everyone doesn't find out about a divorce at the same time-and if they do they are being nosey and gossiping, and "shame on them," right? It's amazing how many people you havent talked to in years "just wanted to say 'hey" after you change your name on Facebook. Right.

People rarely know the real reasons for what is happening. Often they feel they have to choose a side, or just do naturally without realizing it (please know in our situation, you dont need to pick a side... actually please dont pick a side.) There are a lot of assumptions and tip toeing around and hush hush, and checking the ring finger until just everyone just figures it out and stops asking...or honestly, I dont know... I'm still waiting to see what happens.

But still, life around you keeps existing people still go to work; they are in traffic, in lines at HEB, tweeting away. Life around keeps existing.

No one in the halls of this enormous work place knows the heartache I'm feeling.
No one knows that I have $7 in my bank account and a bill going through tomorrow.
No one knows that I'm not being shy or rude, I just know if I open my mouth and say anything at this moment the tears will fall and then my face will be red for the next 2 hours. Although I must say, I've become an almost-expert at crying at my desk without those around me knowing. (ie. now as I write this blog.)
No one understands why I don't want to hear your advice or your opinions.
No one understands why I will still stand up and defend the person that I'm no longer one with.
No one understands that I don't always need your encouragement, just empathy. Not sympathy.
No one understands that I just don't want to be around people today.
No one understands that tomorrow I just really really really need to be surrounded by people and laugh and laugh...and then half way through that time might need to sneak away because its too much.
No one understands how many individual and seperate things and people I'm currently mourning.
No one understands that I. just. need. a hug.

Don't think that I'm just depressed, hum drum, broken and sad all the time. It's day to day. And sometimes minute to minute. Jesus restores the brokenhearted and I know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.

Honestly, I dont have a great solid take away from today's post.

I do have many hugs for those that are in it and those will go though it.
I have open ears when needed.
I have no advice, other than just keep getting up, keep going.
I have a kitchen that I can cook you dinner (but I must warn you I'm an awful cook.)
I have sappy movies and a love for ice cream.
I have a Savior that is crying right beside you too.
I have silence because that's often needed.. as well as good playlists on Pandora.

Keep going. And try not to be so nosey, y'all.





I did come across this article that was extremely encouraging to me, and if you're in this place I encourage you to read it as well.

PSALM 30.11

Sleep like Jesus

Life is hard. 

Sometimes it's really hard. 

Sometimes it's shitty and sometimes it's beauty is utterly breathtaking. And those adjectives are what makes the story worth it. 

Right now, my story is a hurricane of completely shitty and breathtakingly beautiful. And it's so confusing. 

But it's worth it. It's worth the waves that I literally can't see over. 

Have you ever felt like that? Like there is SO much going on around you, and you do not see an end to this rain that just. hasnt. stopped. It's been so long since it's stopped...and all you need is land. You just need everything to stop moving and changing...you can't even see which way the land is, let alone how the heck you're going to get back to it. 

Get through the storm, friends. Get through it. Whatever you're in the midst of-get through it. Don't give up. When you don't know how to even begin to learn to swim in this type of storm-tuck yourself away in the breadth of God and get through it. 

Cling to Him and hold on for dear life in the midst of the storm, but know it will calm. It always calms.

There's this story where Jesus and his disciples were on a boat, and this crazy storm rolls in. The disciples are terrified thinking they are all about to drown. They look over and Jesus is just crashed out, sleeping in the corner. So they go over to him and are like "Umm helllo!? How are you sleeping? Look at these waves and all this crazy wind? We're about to be fish food and you're sleeping?!" And Jesus is like "good grief, ya pansies! Calm down." He turns back and basically yells "pipe down" to the storm and it immediately stops. No more wind. No more waves. No more fear.

I always thought the take away of that story was 1. Never wake a sleeping Jesus, and 2. The miracle that Jesus talked to the storm and it obeyed. 

Jesus had the power to stop the storm, and yes that is an absolutely amazing moment...but I'm thinking the bigger take away is His stillness in the storm. 

He slept. Jesus slept. 

He was able to rest totally and completely in the midst of the chaos because he trusted that God was in control. The storm didn't rattle him. He just slept.

The end of hurricane season doesn't always look like what we think it should. It's not often pretty and sometimes its a big mess- but rest in knowing God WILL rescue you. You can rest easy, friends.

And maybe try not to wake a sleeping Jesus...if you're ever in that situation, that is...

Stop Being a Mom and Just be a Mom

 

Gut check.

 

It's hard sometimes. "Mom mom mom mom mom" becomes a soundtrack we don't even hear anymore.  Kind of like elevator music.  We can be going about our day and realize they've been saying "mom mom mom mom mom" for 2 minutes and we heard it but didn't hear it at all.

 

This does not mean that her voice is not important to me. That couldn't be further from the truth.  The fact is I'm busy being a mom. I'm cleaning up toys, thinking about making dinner, and off it goes... oh those dishes. Are these clean or dirty? Clean, good. Oh right I have clothes in the washer I need to move over. And that box of clothes I still need to unpack. She's going to want to play dress up. Halloween is coming, I need to run to the store this weekend and get things for her costume. I also need to do a big grocery shop. Well.. I need to make a list. How am I going to pay for all that? I need to be sure and tithe. oh right, church is tomorrow. Maybe there is something for them to wear in that box I need to unpack...On and on and on and on...

 

Our brains don't stop. We don't even realize we're thinking of 15 things at once and the soundtrack keeps playing, "mom mom mom mom mom." Sometimes it's "mom mom mom mom mom," "yeah, baby?" "Mom." "What Collins?" "......."

 

Sometimes it's tatteling on her brother. Sometimes she saw a star. Sometimes she needs to eat. Sometimes she needs to hold me. Sometimes it's 1,3,4,5! (she always skips 2, we're working on that.)

 

The fact of the matter is the quote above stands true. She is little. Sometimes the BIG things to her are big because she is so little. Her perspective is little, so things are BIG.

 

I wish I could see things through her little-big brown eyes.  When I slowwwwww down I can see a gilmps of what she sees. Or at least allow myself to see her experiencing the greatness of this new world that I've had 28 years to see.

 

I need to remember as I'm busy being a mom, not to forget to be a mom.

 

Stop being a mom. A cook, a housekeeper, a budgetter, an unpacker and just be with the little girl and boy that have made me a mom.

 

Sometimes all she needs is for me to color with her for a few minutes. Sometimes he just wants me to sit on the floor so I can be his jungle gym. They don't care if there are clothes on the floor or that box hasn't been unpacked or some dishes are in the dishwasher. They care about the little things, that are big things through their little eyes.

 

Is that the same as Father is with us? This is more a lesson on prayer than anything...except the other way around. Father is craving for us to talk to him about all the little stuff not just the big stuff. The fact of the matter is our little stuff is big stuff to Him.  He wants to hear about everything. A daily, non-stop, constant conversation. Yet, we often only go to Him for the big scary stuff. 

 

The difference is, He is never too busy. He is never not listening. We are never just a soundtrack of noise to him. He delights in us. He's on the edge of his seat to hear every word we will say to him. He does not tire of us. Ever.

 

"Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath." psalm 116.2nlt

 

There are many things that having children has taught me about God and His relationship with us. 

 

Im learning to talk to Him more. Every day. About everything. It's important to Him. Everything we want to say and feel is important to Him. Even when I'm yelling at Him, He delights in it. He delights in me and cry's with me, as I do with my children too. Their little thoughts and cries and everything they do are important to me.  

 

It's my job as I'm so busy being a mom, to stop and just be a mom.

Lets make friendship bracelets or something.

Friendship.

This is the desire of my heart. This is my hearts cry.

(Let me start that this is not a 'woe is me' session. I know this is my responsibility and have amazzzzzing people in my life)

I used to have such deep great fun fulfilling friendships and, as many times they do, we grew out of them. We get married, have babies, move away. Life happens. I don't really take it personally anymore, I've done it as well. I've failed at being a good friend on many many occasions.  I chose my spouse over you. I chose my children over you. Sleep. Netflix. Myself...the list goes on. 

As we grow up and our responsibilities change our relationships change.  And that is OK.  We are all off the hook. Its OK. It's normal and part of growing up.  However, it does not change that fact that sometimes it's lonely. Very lonely. 

Right now I feel very lonely.

I NEED friendship. I need people to depend on and invest in me.  To just come and hang out.  To call me to go do nothing.  But I'm not someone that people think of to give a call and invite places because they are used to my saying no.  I, 99.9% of the time have said no. So eventually, people stop asking.

And I have to admit I almost liked it better that way for a while, because then I didn't have to feel guilty when I gave my standard reply. 

But now, at 28, it is so hard to make friends. I never knew that would be a 'thing' when I was growing up.  You're just in school and are with people everyday, you do your extra curricular things with those same people and it's natural and easy to make friends.  It was for me anyway, I know that's not the story for everyone. I was by no means the 'popular girl,' but I was friends with people on all ends of the spectrum. I was happy. I liked who I was (although now I can look back and cringe on how nerdy I was)

Now that I'm an adult, in a big girl job, have 2 small children and all my 'old' friends have their lives and routines...how do I make friends?

I went to a long-time-friends birthday a couple months ago, and although I kind of kept to myself and wasn't very outgoing, I left and felt GREAT because I went to an outing that was not based around me. I went and did something that invested in a friendship. It was the strangest feeling. I felt like I did something FOR a friend rather than a friend doing something for me.

I remember getting so upset and offended at people in the last few years because they werent doing what I dreamed in my head they would go out of their way to do for me. Didn't they know how nice it would be for them to do 'xyz?'   I had these crazy expectaions on people to be a friend, to help me out, invite me to do the 5k with them AND bless me by paying or just even respond when I asked for childcare help when I was in a bind. I was living so offended at people, who were not my friends and no one was at fault but me. Why would they? I never ever did anything for anyone. I didn't get to know people. I thought about it and thought of really great nice things to do, but I never did any of them. I have my "reasons" and excuses as to why, but there was always SOMETHING that I could have done to reach out.

This last year has left me utterly exhausted.  The few friends I do have have are phenomenal and more like family.  They are the kindest, most honest, selfless, patient people I know  They have completely carried me through. At this point I feel like my arms are draped across their shoulders, and January is just. around. the corner. It cannot be here fast enough. I'm just tired. 

I agree with the sentence "it's better to have a few real friends than 100 acquaintances," however, even for those friends I need to be a better one. I need to do my part.

Right now Father is teaching me 1800 things. I am soley depending on him to get me through this season.  I love that fact that he is our King, our provider, our army and savior, but mostly right now I'm so glad to call him friend. This is only cheesy to you if you haven't needed that realtionship so so so badly... or if you listen to "I am a friend of God" because, I'm sorry, that song is just so cheese ball bad.

I'm hoping in 2015 I am able to invest in people more. To love other people. To not only have friends but BE a friend.  To learn how to make friends as an adult, because who knew that was a skill set I didn't have...?

where are the cameras?

I think I saw a movie once where a young couple took a huge risk by selling half of their possessions and move away.  They struggled at crappy jobs until something better fell into their lap, meanwhile they found out they're pregnant & purchase their first home which end up being severely damaged in a tornado after only 4 months. They had to live in a hotel for 2 months where they end up having to bring their first born daughter home to... oh wait, thats my life.

yeah.

The last 7 months has been the shortest/longest 7 months of my life, and it really should be documented.  If not for your reading pleasure, or our enjoyment to recall in the future, then for me to word vomit and release any anxieties I've acquired over this time.
The following is a timeline, however, over the next couple weeks (in between this whole 'mom' gig i'm doing now) I hope to compose more detailed entries of our 2012 adventures.

Rest easy knowing this movie is looking like a 'happily ever after' ending.

-February 1, 2011-Rosh packs up and moves from San Antonio to Arlington (a 4 hour trip that took 11hrs in the worst ice storm North Texas has had in years) where they both wait tables, Rhonda attends school, and Josh begins to lead worship for 2 different churches.

-March 8, 2011-Rosh 2 year anniversary

-October 2011-Rhonda's Dad falls ill of an extremely rare food poisoning, while she visits him in Maryland she finds out she's pregnant.

-December 2011- Rosh purchases first house!

-January 2012- Josh accepts and begins full time position with Compass Christian Church

-February 2012- 'babymoon' to the Florida Keys

-March 8, 2012- Rosh 3 year anniversary

-April 2, 2012- Hundreds of dollars in bank fraud- you're welcome to whoever enjoyed their time at Benihana, NYC

-April 3, 2012- Tornado's swarm DFW, severely damaging Rosh's new home, forcing them into a hotel for over 70 days.

-June 2, 2012- Collins Kay Nunez born at 5:08am

-June 15, 2012- House is deemed livable, Rosh+ move home.

Needless to say we're pooped. They always say God won't give you more than you can handle... but good grief... obviously things could have been worse and we are blessed beyond belief they weren't.
We are very thankful to be on the other side of this...as far as we know we are on the other side of this anyway...

We are doing great!  Very happy to be home & completely in love with our gorgeous daughter. God is good and we feel more blessed than ever before- just a little sleep deprived.

Me-time and Mark Twain teach... creation?

My first me-time in a long time...

I started by just thinking about the book ends I saw that we really need (which makes me feel a little smart that we have so many books at home that we'll need book ends) then I take notice of the huge man, with a shaved head and teeny tiny ponytail, that seems to think he's talking to someone on the other side of the book store on instructions of a game I don't even want to know about. I think about the picture frames I saw that were on clearance for $3.78! With an extra 10%off with my Borders card, (once again feeling smart because I have the need for a Borders card, yessss)

ok, now to drown out the millions of 'games' being played around me because whether I like it or not I now know there is a game called 'Blokus' and 'Midget Zombies' as well as whatever announcer ponytail man is explaining about retreating and artillery...?

I turn on pandora. I noticed a wall decal in the hallway by Mark Twain.

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience. This is the life"

I sit on it for a while. My mind wanders to some of the amazing friends I have, I think about two of them who happen to have birthdays today. My mind jumps to my sister-in-law who I swap book suggestions with, oh yeah she's moving to NYC in two days... Oh I guess this is the sleepy conscience? What does that mean...I don't know but I like it. Mark Twain....I should re-read some of those books...

Ok, now for some time with God. I journal and say how much I need him and love him and how he is so good to me, even when I don't want to acknowledge him and his hand in some amazing and obvious things he's done.

I recall many mistakes I've made and how badly I need him. How amazing he is that I don't understand him and I'm so thankful for that, because if I could he wouldn't be worthy of praise.

I'd go on but I won't bore you with some of my cries.

I started reading a new book by Francis Chan called 'Crazy Love.' It's so great! I've had the honor of hearing him speak live a few years ago and he blew me away. I love being challenged in my thinking. I love being stretched in my little brain.

He's talking about how amazing God is in his creation that he made everything. Sit on that. Whatever you are looking at, anything you can picture in your mind, He made it. Your hand and every crease in it. He made it. On purpose. That's what freaks me out sometimes!! He did it. Made it all. On purpose. He talks about the things everyone talks about the sunrise, the mountains. But look even closer, your best friends laugh. Yupp! The snorter the chuckler the no sound-er, He made that. I think about my two dear friends who's birthdays are today again and their laughs and I smiled. I'm so thankful for laughter.

Man I love to be challenged. Sometimes just to think. I don't feel like I've had to or really given myself the opportunity to think about anything outside of my little world in SO long. Bleh! I'm SO glad to sit at this bookstore cafe and not think about me, and my little life for a bit. It's so refreshing.

For whatever reason Im noticing I need to write again. I forget how good it feels to paint a picture with words. How I can verbally barf or I guess hand barf since I'm currently typing all this on my iPhone.

I've recently been challenged more than I ever have in my life. I've dealt with and felt things that I never in a million years would wish anyone would. My marriage has been tested to great depths-and succeeded, friendships have begun and ended, i turned 25, I've battled depression, fallen in love with my job then left it behind, started a new job, lost my Gram, changed cities and cleaned up more poop and pee from my poodle puppy than anyone ever should...it's been the hardest 6 months of my life. Finally, I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This season is coming to and end and I'm barely crawling out on my hands and knees. I'm scrapped up, bruised and beaten down. I've run away from God with everything I have in me. There have been times where there is no other explanation than Gods hand working something out, yet I would not give Him praise. I refused.

Yet, Ive always known.

God is so good, His greatness does not depend on my belief or praise. He is good and mighty and powerful whether I want to acknowledge it or not. He continues to save me. He continues to fix things around me. He continues to be more than I could ask. I don't deserve it and I don't understand it. But I'm SO thankful, because if I could understand it, He would not be worthy of my praise. He is more than my finite mind can imagine.

This is the beginning for me. A new beginning. I'm still In my battle but I've not given up. I cannot stand yet but I'm still moving and that's all that matters. (which reminds me of my favorite scripture phil. 3.12-14 )

I laugh more. And I have a great laugh. God created MY laugh. Hah! And this cafe. And all the strange games around me. And Mark Twain.

Ladies and Gents: My Dad

(Song to apply as reading...I couldn't get it to link... "Keep breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson)

My dad.

where to begin...

It's very complicated, he and I. Our relationship is the best it's been in probably 11 or 12 years. I am soooo greatful for that. He's drawn the short straw many times...chosen the short straw a few times too. There have been many consequences he has suffered because of some of those choices.
Some he still suffers today.
Some he's turned into things of beauty.
I love my Dad.

I remember thinking when I was a kid he was the strongest man on the earth. I remember telling him he should run for president... lol what a terrible idea...
I remember him playing guitar while my brother, mom and I danced on our front porch while it rained outside.
I remember how proud he's always been of my brothers. Especially when they joined the marines.
HaHa and how after he'd taken my brother for his first tattoo and me to get my belly button pierced saying "my dad takes me for all our body modifications :)" we laughed a lot.
I remember when he asked me to forgive him for all his mistakes. all the short straws he chose that affected my life.
I remember going to an AA meeting with him and never being more proud of him.

Yesterday I bought a ticket to Maryland. It started out because I needed to get away. I really want to see my sister play soccer. she's beautiful. You'll meet her soon. I talked with my brother and her and found an amazing ticket for only $99! so I booked a flight. Going September 6th. We weren't going to tell my dad, it was a surprise. A good surprise.

then today. today I get a surprise.

Today I talked to my dad and he told me Tuesday he's having surgery. he's getting a heart catheter and possibly stints, they will decide during surgery.

My dad is a big man. He's been through a lot. He can handle a lot. Even talking to him online, I could tell he wasn't ok. He's worried. I decided to tell him about my plan... which killleedd me because I sooo wanted to surprise him... I changed my ticket and am flying out Monday morning to be there for the surgery Tuesday and to take care of my father through the week.

God I just pray for...well, me. There are times I just DON'T want to be a grown up and right now is one.
I lift my dad up to you Father. keep him safe. give him peace that this ain't no thang. He's a big boy and can take whatever is sent his way.
Bless the time I have with my family. My dad, gram, brothers and sister. I love them all so much. Other wounds we have-heal us. and God, please give me time to rest.

trying to write chapter 1

So now that I've been shaken and flipped upside down and inside out, I've kind of got my barrings on reality and where my feet are, but where do I go from here?

I don't want to loose momentum and get stuck in the quick sand again. I need help. I need ideas, I need a nudge push or to be tossed in the right direction.

pause while i grab a glass of wine and a rice crispy treat
mmmmm

ok, so what do I do? How is it I go about creating a better story? I guess I need to get involved in something? where to begin? Is it going to be expensive? I don't have a lot of money...er, any money really.

I think about running a marathon, but 1. I'm very very out of shape. 2. what kind of story is that? That I can prove that I can survive exercising in San Antonio without A/C? I'm not doing anything except... running? Don't get me wrong, that would be an AMAZING accomplishment if I could run a marathon in my life...even another 5k. But what would that do? Who would I be helping? How is that a bigger story than myself? That story would still be about me and I need to be involved in something bigger than me.
Something that matters.

I'm not looking to end world peace here, just something to shake me up. get me going. a reason to...I don't know just a reason; meaning.

Don wrote about a few things...one was a bike ride across country for hunger or something like that...now my first reaction was "Heck yes!!!!!!" but then I think, 'would I ever really do that?'
He wrote about doing a hike in Peru and his new mentoring program.

I think of a lot of things and they are all romantic ideas, however what's the reality of any of them? I don't want to just talk about a change in my life, I want to get up and go make a change in my life. I don't want to keep sitting here and typing about other peoples adventures, I need to be a part of my own.

I'm taking ideas. Let me know of a cause. A challenge. no matter how big or small, I have to start somwhere. I figure the more people that know the less the chance I'll bail and become myself again.
Challenge me. Stretch me. Support me. I invite you all to get up and go. DO something.

So email me ideas and challenges. rhondaknunez@gmail.com

I'm very excited/terrified of the future. I have no idea where I'll be in a week, a year a month or even 3 years. But I'm anxious to see where this life takes me.

friday nights these days

I'm old. well, definatly not old, but i'm no young bird anymore.



It's friday night. I'm actually not working and i'm sitting at home...typing in a blog? so super cool. I was chattin with my very good friend and telling her my new found epiphany... ya know, that i'm old.

she agreed.

At least she threw herself on the boat with me telling me her inner battle to drink a glass of wine or not.


it's 10:30pm. did i mention its friday night?


then i explained it was practically WWIII in my head debating on eating ice cream.

I'm pretty happy with my decision.

Coffee, cookies and cream & chocolate my 3 best friends at the moment.

And my lovely friend too for helping me make this decision in my life.

she enjoyed her wine.

preface, maybe Intro, but not quite chapter 1

So i don't know when He actually placed his hands on my shoulders...but I know I remember the shaking and the waking up, and the tears and the pain and the fear and the peace I felt all at the same time. I've never been so shaken in my life. where I feel it in my gut, and my heart and my bones and everywhere I looked. My eyes have never been so sore, my throat so dry, my heart so empty. I was sleeping. I was wondering in absolutly nothingness. He placed his hands on each of my shoulders and shook me so hard I didn't know if the earth was moving or just my world. I didn't know where my feet were. I couldn't catch my breath. He shook me, and I woke up.

My creater woke me.

I'm starting on a journey. I need to be a part of a story. Something bigger than myself. I read a book by Donald Miller and that's all he talked about, being a part of something bigger than me. A challenge. I'm a charcter in a story... and right now, my story is meaningless. What am I doing? I wake up around 11, piddle around the house, get ready and go to work. Come home, sleep then repeat. Until recently, I wasn't even allowing the creater of me be a part of my story. I've learned a lot from Don (i like to pretend i know him).

God woke me up. he said "LOOK AT ME! INVITE ME INTO YOUR STORY! LET ME BE YOUR STORY! I CREATED YOUR STORY AND EVERY PLACE AND CHARACTER IN IT!"

Then I felt bad for a while.

But now, I'm trying to get up off my ass and want to start a new greater story.

Creator is one of my main characters this time. And I see Him everywhere.
I see him in this coffee shop I go to almost everyday. I saw him there today in a hug between two people. I don't know them, and I wasn't being creepy, but I saw Him in that hug. It was a good hug. I wish I could have taken a picture and given it to them.
I see Him in my dogs, Maximus and Mayer, when they make me laugh at least once a day. And how they love. Oh they have so much love.
I see Him in my husband.
I see Him in my friend at work when he is BEEMING, grinning from ear to ear when he talks about his 9 children...yes 9. He is so in love.
He's a part of my daily life and He's stretching me to become more.

I belive all the way down, deep in my bones that God created me on purpose. And you too. I think He wrote us into this BIG story yet gave us a pen and is allowing us to write it as we want. I know I have sloppy handwritting, just ask my boss... but I was allowing that sloppyness into my life. I was taking advantage of having control over that pen. I think I just set it down and let the paper get a little old and yellow-y. I wasn't doing anything. Ive been stagnant and wayy too comfortable.

Don wrote:
"If i have a hope, it's that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story and put is in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you....
...We don't want to be characters in a story becasue characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable then we dont have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims rather than grateful participants."

Now, I'm reading a book by Steven James, conviniently, titled "Story." I read this a few years ago but it had no affect on my life, but this time it's shoving me around like trying to fit crayons in their box.
He wrote:
"the text of my life is in need of editing.
enter between the lines,
pick up the pen of your love,
let your majesty engulf my heart,
rewrite me.

reveal yourself to me
even if it means that
i must disappear
into you.

inversion."

OK! OK! OK! I get it!

So here's where I am. I'm going to write a new, better story...I'm going to try anyway. I still have awful handwriting, I'm just going to try not to let it affect how I write this time... at least keeping the pen in my hand. After all, the more I write the better it will get...right?
now that's a freakin' loaded statement...