Thursday, February 24, 2011
My first me-time in a long time...
I started by just thinking about the book ends I saw that we really need (which makes me feel a little smart that we have so many books at home that we'll need book ends) then I take notice of the huge man, with a shaved head and teeny tiny ponytail, that seems to think he's talking to someone on the other side of the book store on instructions of a game I don't even want to know about. I think about the picture frames I saw that were on clearance for $3.78! With an extra 10%off with my Borders card, (once again feeling smart because I have the need for a Borders card, yessss)
ok, now to drown out the millions of 'games' being played around me because whether I like it or not I now know there is a game called 'Blokus' and 'Midget Zombies' as well as whatever announcer ponytail man is explaining about retreating and artillery...?
I turn on pandora. I noticed a wall decal in the hallway by Mark Twain.
"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience. This is the life"
I sit on it for a while. My mind wanders to some of the amazing friends I have, I think about two of them who happen to have birthdays today. My mind jumps to my sister-in-law who I swap book suggestions with, oh yeah she's moving to NYC in two days... Oh I guess this is the sleepy conscience? What does that mean...I don't know but I like it. Mark Twain....I should re-read some of those books...
Ok, now for some time with God. I journal and say how much I need him and love him and how he is so good to me, even when I don't want to acknowledge him and his hand in some amazing and obvious things he's done.
I recall many mistakes I've made and how badly I need him. How amazing he is that I don't understand him and I'm so thankful for that, because if I could he wouldn't be worthy of praise.
I'd go on but I won't bore you with some of my cries.
I started reading a new book by Francis Chan called 'Crazy Love.' It's so great! I've had the honor of hearing him speak live a few years ago and he blew me away. I love being challenged in my thinking. I love being stretched in my little brain.
He's talking about how amazing God is in his creation that he made everything. Sit on that. Whatever you are looking at, anything you can picture in your mind, He made it. Your hand and every crease in it. He made it. On purpose. That's what freaks me out sometimes!! He did it. Made it all. On purpose. He talks about the things everyone talks about the sunrise, the mountains. But look even closer, your best friends laugh. Yupp! The snorter the chuckler the no sound-er, He made that. I think about my two dear friends who's birthdays are today again and their laughs and I smiled. I'm so thankful for laughter.
Man I love to be challenged. Sometimes just to think. I don't feel like I've had to or really given myself the opportunity to think about anything outside of my little world in SO long. Bleh! I'm SO glad to sit at this bookstore cafe and not think about me, and my little life for a bit. It's so refreshing.
For whatever reason Im noticing I need to write again. I forget how good it feels to paint a picture with words. How I can verbally barf or I guess hand barf since I'm currently typing all this on my iPhone.
I've recently been challenged more than I ever have in my life. I've dealt with and felt things that I never in a million years would wish anyone would. My marriage has been tested to great depths-and succeeded, friendships have begun and ended, i turned 25, I've battled depression, fallen in love with my job then left it behind, started a new job, lost my Gram, changed cities and cleaned up more poop and pee from my poodle puppy than anyone ever should...it's been the hardest 6 months of my life. Finally, I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. This season is coming to and end and I'm barely crawling out on my hands and knees. I'm scrapped up, bruised and beaten down. I've run away from God with everything I have in me. There have been times where there is no other explanation than Gods hand working something out, yet I would not give Him praise. I refused.
Yet, Ive always known.
God is so good, His greatness does not depend on my belief or praise. He is good and mighty and powerful whether I want to acknowledge it or not. He continues to save me. He continues to fix things around me. He continues to be more than I could ask. I don't deserve it and I don't understand it. But I'm SO thankful, because if I could understand it, He would not be worthy of my praise. He is more than my finite mind can imagine.
This is the beginning for me. A new beginning. I'm still In my battle but I've not given up. I cannot stand yet but I'm still moving and that's all that matters. (which reminds me of my favorite scripture phil. 3.12-14 )
I laugh more. And I have a great laugh. God created MY laugh. Hah! And this cafe. And all the strange games around me. And Mark Twain.