Friday, October 17, 2014

Stop Being a Mom and Just be a Mom

Gut check.
It's hard sometimes. "Mom mom mom mom mom" becomes a soundtrack we don't even hear anymore.  Kind of like elevator music.  We can be going about our day and realize they've been saying "mom mom mom mom mom" for 2 minutes and we heard it but didn't hear it at all.
This does not mean that her voice is not important to me. That couldn't be further from the truth.  The fact is I'm busy being a mom. I'm cleaning up toys, thinking about making dinner, and off it goes... oh those dishes. Are these clean or dirty? Clean, good. Oh right I have clothes in the washer I need to move over. And that box of clothes I still need to unpack. She's going to want to play dress up. Halloween is coming, I need to run to the store this weekend and get things for her costume. I also need to do a big grocery shop. Well.. I need to make a list. How am I going to pay for all that? I need to be sure and tithe. oh right, church is tomorrow. Maybe there is something for them to wear in that box I need to unpack...On and on and on and on...
Our brains don't stop. We don't even realize we're thinking of 15 things at once and the soundtrack keeps playing, "mom mom mom mom mom." Sometimes it's "mom mom mom mom mom," "yeah, baby?" "Mom." "What Collins?" "......."
Sometimes it's tatteling on her brother. Sometimes she saw a star. Sometimes she needs to eat. Sometimes she needs to hold me. Sometimes it's 1,3,4,5! (she always skips 2, we're working on that.)
The fact of the matter is the quote above stands true. She is little. Sometimes the BIG things to her are big because she is so little. Her perspective is little, so things are BIG.
I wish I could see things through her little-big brown eyes.  When I slowwwwww down I can see a gilmps of what she sees. Or at least allow myself to see her experiencing the greatness of this new world that I've had 28 years to see.
I need to remember as I'm busy being a mom, not to forget to be a mom.
Stop being a mom. A cook, a housekeeper, a budgetter, an unpacker and just be with the little girl and boy that have made me a mom.
Sometimes all she needs is for me to color with her for a few minutes. Sometimes he just wants me to sit on the floor so I can be his jungle gym. They don't care if there are clothes on the floor or that box hasn't been unpacked or some dishes are in the dishwasher. They care about the little things, that are big things through their little eyes.
Is that the same as Father is with us? This is more a lesson on prayer than anything...except the other way around. Father is craving for us to talk to him about all the little stuff not just the big stuff. The fact of the matter is our little stuff is big stuff to Him.  He wants to hear about everything. A daily, non-stop, constant conversation. Yet, we often only go to Him for the big scary stuff. 
The difference is, He is never too busy. He is never not listening. We are never just a soundtrack of noise to him. He delights in us. He's on the edge of his seat to hear every word we will say to him. He does not tire of us. Ever.
"Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath." psalm 116.2nlt
There are many things that having children has taught me about God and His relationship with us. 
Im learning to talk to Him more. Every day. About everything. It's important to Him. Everything we want to say and feel is important to Him. Even when I'm yelling at Him, He delights in it. He delights in me and cry's with me, as I do with my children too. Their little thoughts and cries and everything they do are important to me.  
It's my job as I'm so busy being a mom, to stop and just be a mom.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Lets make friendship bracelets or something.


This is the desire of my heart. This is my hearts cry.

(Let me start that this is not a 'woe is me' session. I know this is my responsibility and have amazzzzzing people in my life)

I used to have such deep great fun fulfilling friendships and, as many times they do, we grew out of them. We get married, have babies, move away. Life happens. I don't really take it personally anymore, I've done it as well. I've failed at being a good friend on many many occasions.  I chose my spouse over you. I chose my children over you. Sleep. Netflix. Myself...the list goes on. 

As we grow up and our responsibilities change our relationships change.  And that is OK.  We are all off the hook. Its OK. It's normal and part of growing up.  However, it does not change that fact that sometimes it's lonely. Very lonely. 

Right now I feel very lonely.

I NEED friendship. I need people to depend on and invest in me.  To just come and hang out.  To call me to go do nothing.  But I'm not someone that people think of to give a call and invite places because they are used to my saying no.  I, 99.9% of the time have said no. So eventually, people stop asking.

And I have to admit I almost liked it better that way for a while, because then I didn't have to feel guilty when I gave my standard reply. 

But now, at 28, it is so hard to make friends. I never knew that would be a 'thing' when I was growing up.  You're just in school and are with people everyday, you do your extra curricular things with those same people and it's natural and easy to make friends.  It was for me anyway, I know that's not the story for everyone. I was by no means the 'popular girl,' but I was friends with people on all ends of the spectrum. I was happy. I liked who I was (although now I can look back and cringe on how nerdy I was)

Now that I'm an adult, in a big girl job, have 2 small children and all my 'old' friends have their lives and do I make friends?

I went to a long-time-friends birthday a couple months ago, and although I kind of kept to myself and wasn't very outgoing, I left and felt GREAT because I went to an outing that was not based around me. I went and did something that invested in a friendship. It was the strangest feeling. I felt like I did something FOR a friend rather than a friend doing something for me.

I remember getting so upset and offended at people in the last few years because they werent doing what I dreamed in my head they would go out of their way to do for me. Didn't they know how nice it would be for them to do 'xyz?'   I had these crazy expectaions on people to be a friend, to help me out, invite me to do the 5k with them AND bless me by paying or just even respond when I asked for childcare help when I was in a bind. I was living so offended at people, who were not my friends and no one was at fault but me. Why would they? I never ever did anything for anyone. I didn't get to know people. I thought about it and thought of really great nice things to do, but I never did any of them. I have my "reasons" and excuses as to why, but there was always SOMETHING that I could have done to reach out.

This last year has left me utterly exhausted.  The few friends I do have have are phenomenal and more like family.  They are the kindest, most honest, selfless, patient people I know  They have completely carried me through. At this point I feel like my arms are draped across their shoulders, and January is just. around. the corner. It cannot be here fast enough. I'm just tired. 

I agree with the sentence "it's better to have a few real friends than 100 acquaintances," however, even for those friends I need to be a better one. I need to do my part.

Right now Father is teaching me 1800 things. I am soley depending on him to get me through this season.  I love that fact that he is our King, our provider, our army and savior, but mostly right now I'm so glad to call him friend. This is only cheesy to you if you haven't needed that realtionship so so so badly... or if you listen to "I am a friend of God" because, I'm sorry, that song is just so cheese ball bad.

I'm hoping in 2015 I am able to invest in people more. To love other people. To not only have friends but BE a friend.  To learn how to make friends as an adult, because who knew that was a skill set I didn't have...?