Goodbye to 32

For months I've wanted to write. Every. single. day. I think about writing, but I just can't find the thing to write about. I've written about my experience with #metoo, but decided not to share publicly. I've started writing a handful of pieces, but none to completion. I've written love letters, approximately 854,954 emails for work, and an ungodly amount of text messages...but I haven't written blogs like I have in the years past. The reasons could be many, but here I am saying my goodbye to 32, feeling quite buttery and in love reflecting on the last 12 months. Some write Annual Family Christmas letters, I write Annual Family Christmas blogs.

I've never shied away from sharing my online dating tales...and there are MANY to be told, but by Feb 2018 my heart was just too tired. I shut it all down and decided I was going to spend this year doing what I wanted. I wanted to get emotionally healthy, I wanted to learn to be confident in who I am as a person, to travel, to do all things I wanted to do and no longer wait on a partner to do them.  I was learning to be content with myself, and I did just that. I got into therapy, I took myself on dates, and I booked a solo vacation to San Francisco. That's right, I had BIG plans for me, myself, and I.

At the end of March, my kids and I were doing our normal Sunday routine at the Pearl Farmers Market, enjoying the warm sun and some delicious kettle corn, when we ran into some old friends.  My friend Rey was hanging out with Corey, someone I've distantly known for nearly 15 years. My kids played freely while Rey, Corey, and I sat and talked for over 4 hours. We had church together on that beautiful March day at the Pearl. We talked about life, the deep heartache of divorce, the enneagram, faith, relationships, and everything in between.  Although Corey and I had known each other for many years, I don't recall ever having an actual conversation with him until that day...and every single day since.

We entered into an incredible friendship that, quite cautiously, developed into a beautiful companionship. We have intentionally created a space of total freedom, security, and stability, that continuously champions each other to be ourselves and to achieve all the goals we have individually as well as the life we intend to build together. The past 9 months together have been full of vulnerability, transparency, adventure, Missions baseball games, total silliness, a LOT of tamales, music, new friends, laughter induced belly aches, and incredible joy. I'm very much in love with this old acquaintance of mine.  Who ever would have thought... NOT US! We laugh about it often, and we are so grateful.

This year I went to Colorado to meet my perfect baby nephew, Carson. I went on my life-altering solo trip to San Francisco. I visited my family in Dallas, and went on my annual girls trip to Rockport, TX. I explored Washington, DC with my Companion, and took a 30 hour trip to Los Angeles with one of my dearest friends, just to see a concert.

This year I paid off my car, my daughter is reading SO well, had teeth fall out of her head, and completed her first dance recital. My son gave gymnastics and karate the ol' college try while in his last year before Kindergarten. I set much needed boundaries with family members and friends. I've attempted to support my mom as she has been the unwavering family strength, as she cares for my grandmother with dementia and my step dad who was diagnosed with cancer earlier this year- I'm SO happy to say was just cleared of all cancer cells. WAHOO!

This year I saw quite a few concerts, shed a LOT of tears (as always).  I'm continuing to learn how to deal with emotional abuse and co-parenting. I listened to a lot of TED talks and Podcasts. I've leaned into positive body image, all that Brene Brown teaches, and am finally reading through my beloved Harry Potter books... even though my cousin Kailyn, 'CANNOT BELIEVE' I haven't read them yet... I'm working on it! I'm obviously still learning not to use commas like confetti. I did yoga with goats and changed my headlights 2 times...there is obviously an issue going on there.  I completed my 2nd & 3rd seasons with the mighty Purple Squirrels as a terrible 3rd baseman, but signed a lifetime contract so they're stuck with me. I finally filled in the flower piece on my arm, and got another tattoo while I was in San Francisco that reminds me to "keep soft, warrior."

I only have a few hours left at 32.  My mom will soon remind me that at 4 am, I came too quickly into this world for an epidural, and I will flutter my eyelashes and say "sorrrryyyyy."  I know my 33rd year will come with a whole world of change and challenges, but man, I am here for it...with these people by my side, I cannot lose.

Peace and Big Big Love, my friends.

Rhonda

Pain in my Neck...

It’s 12:22pm, and I’m lying In bed with a shooting pain down my neck and into my right shoulder and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  

This has been an easy week. I wasn’t playing rough with the kids, my softball game was cancelled due to the rain, nothing...but tonight, somewhere between making dinner, reading books to my kids, and Skyping with my two best girlfriends I tweaked my neck and now will lie awake throughout the night, trying as hard as I can not to move a muscle that would make me lose my breath and face wince in terrible pain. 

I’d say 'oh it’s ok, just get through the night and go to the doctor in the morning'...but what’s the point? They will tell me to go to a specialist, chiropractor, or physical therapist, who will not be covered by my insurance, they will require X-rays to really understand the problem, which also will not be covered by my health insurance. I don’t have thousands or even hundreds of dollars in savings to pay out of pocket. So I will suffer in pain until it subsides, until the next time it happens, which seems to be about every 6 weeks. 

I was raised very right wing Republican. While I’m thankful for this upbringing, I am even more thankful that I have grown away from it.  I'm fairly certain 95% of my family is still very right wing Republican. And that’s okay, but I am not. 

I believe in standing for the flag but will proudly hold the hand of a kneeling neighbor. My family is too military and law enforcement thick not to stand, but I weep and mourn with the families & friends of those murdered by people who were irresponsible with their power. I own a gun, I believe in smarter gun reform. I would never chose abortion, but I believe in what planned parenthood does (more than abortion information, btw). I could go on and on but as I lie here in incredible pain I’m personally offended that I cannot receive the proper healthcare I need. 

I do not and have never received state assistance, and that’s not because I am unwilling or too proud, but because I do not qualify. I am, in fact, a privileged white girl. I know this. I am a single mom, with a great support system, and am well aware the support I have is not the support everyone has. I have a GREAT job that I love. I do well for myself for not having a degree or as many years experience as my peers. I believe in what I do, I thoroughly enjoy my coworkers and the people I connect with everyday. However, I am a contracted employee, so while I do have healthcare that meets the requirements of the government, it is not enough to meet my medical needs. 

I know two people that were diagnosed with cancer on the same day. Both are currently in the thick of fighting their battles. When you hear news like theirs, you think of how you would react if you were in their situation....my thoughts? “Oh, I’d be totally fucked.” 

And then I think about those in my family and friends who post their arguments online who are completely against healthcare reform and the government giving "handouts,' saying "people are lazy and need to work harder to provide for themselves." This is why I call bullshit to it all. 

I have a great job and an ex-husband that is currently providing child support, yet I am totally and completely screwed if my kids break their leg at a trampoline park, or if any of these various symptoms I have are something more serious...but I probably wouldn’t know until it’s too late because I cannot get the healthcare I need. I am not a dead beat. I am not lazy. I am not looking for a hero to save me or  willing to stay in a marriage just for the insurance, which would then just land me more in debt and divorced again. I am just asking for the ability to fight to survive if it came down to it, or even just some serious pain medication and an X-ray. 

THIS is why people are angry. This is why people are bouncing from the Republican Party at an incredible rate; there is no compassion or ability to empathize with someone. There is only greed, bigger fences, and looking out for ones self. 

The two options I’m given over and over are: 

Get on Universal Healthcare or private insurance: based on my income, Obamacare is too expensive, I cannot afford it.  Private insurance is incredibly expensive. Neither of these are realistic. 

Get a different job: I do not have a degree, and I do not have enough years of experience to make my current income anywhere else. I do not make an astronomical amount of money, however, I meet the needs of my family without outside assistance. I am blessed, I am quite aware. My current position, although contract, is providing me tenure on my resume with an incredibly reputable company name. Believe me, I’ve looked and been offered other positions. But even with their healthcare options, I would take too large a pay cut to provide for my family. 

My point isn’t about woe is me- even though my neck fucking hurts and I worry about my kids getting injured or sick everyday- my point is to just take a minute to listen to people. Real stories. Real humans. And know that every single time you battle against things like providing healthcare, people kneeling, shaming women at a clinic, or holding onto your precious assault rifle, there is a “me” literally dying because of it. 

I wasn't lost, I just took the wrong train

Last week in San Francisco I took the BART to meet some family for dinner... and then quickly realized I was on the wrong train going the wrong direction.

Before my trip I sat with a great friend who lived in San Francisco and she helped me map out my trip.  I told her I was planning to meet some family in Walnut Creek and they mentioned it would be about a 45 min BART ride. Me, a privileged South Texas girl who has never really needed to use public transit, felt a little nervous but knew it was figureoutable (that’s a word).  My knowledgeable San Fran friend explained it to me, showed me maps, and I felt confident I could tackle this venture. 

I found my way down the stairs, I got my clipper card, and down another set of stairs to where the train would stop.  There are two sides to the platform, I found the side with the destination Walnut Creek on the sign and I was ready! The train pulled up, I hopped on, and was on my way! It was also about 4:30pm so it was PACKED. All got dark for a bit as we went under the bay (which I had to just not really think about because WHAT THE HECK!? TERRIFYING.)  

I’m not sure what it was that triggered me…I am not familiar with California, the landmarks, or the stops on this trains path… but something told me I was not on the right train. I pulled up my map, and sure enough. NOPE. 

I immediately took a screen shot and sent it to my family and said, “I feel like I’m not going the right way…’’ They confirmed to which I simply responded “dammit.”

So, my stomach jumped just a bit, said a few bad words, laughed at myself, and got off the train immediately.

I realized my error, I was on the correct side of the platform, however there are multiple trains that take different paths, even though they’re initially headed in the same direction. Instead of waiting for the right one, I got on the first one in the right direction.

It was a beautiful day; the Athletics stadium and Oracle Arena were right next to me so I used the opportunity to take a moment of silence for my Spurs who were just knocked out of the playoffs by the Golden State Warriors days prior…I wouldn’t have seen that had I not made the mistake.

I didn’t just get in a cab and let it take me where I needed to be, they didn’t tell me to just stay put so they could come and get me. That would have taken way longer and would have robbed me of a life experience. I just felt the gentle jump in my gut of ‘yikes, this is so unfamiliar, I have no idea what I’m doing.’ I felt bad that I was running a little behind schedule. But they weren’t upset, they knew it was part of the journey. It was part of my experience. Even though my cousin gently poured salt on my Spurs shaped wound.

I wasn’t lost, I just took the wrong train. I got to see some cool stuff along the way. It took a little extra time to get where I was going, but it was all part of the experience. My family was texting helping me to get on the correct train, and then when it came, I still had to pay attention and double check to make another swap to get to the one that would eventually get me to my destination. They were helping me navigate, but it was still up to me to get on the right one.  I got to where I needed to be.  My family hugged me and we all laughed when I arrived.

I came across this photo of me from that day when I was waiting for the next right train to come.  At that moment the lighting was perfect, the wind was dancing about, and I felt so happy. I was in the wrong place, but I felt such joy.

Our job in life isn’t to rescue each other. Our job is to see people where they are, offer the help we can, and then know that they have to pay attention to get to where they’re going… and if they still miss the train? Well, there will always be another one to get back. They will get where they’re going eventually.

If I hadn’t made those mistakes, I wouldn’t have learned the BART and how to use it to get to the airport a couple days later. I learned something, I experienced life through that wrong train.

My people championed me. They didn’t rescue me, or get mad at me for the delay, or for the foul words. They just helped me from where they were, and they were there to pick me up when I finally arrived.

I wasn’t lost, I just took the wrong train.