Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Living in Lala Land (a not so love story)




Tonight I experienced the movie LaLa Land. I had a smile on my face almost the entire movie. It’s an experience like no other. It's magic. It's perfect. I said goodnight to my friend, and I got in my car still on a high from all that LaLa Land was and dreaming of when I could see it again. I turned on Johnnyswim, my latest music obsession, and was homeward bound. As I was about to turn onto DeZavala Rd just a 1/2 mile from my home, my cheeks were drenched in tears before I even realized I was weeping.

I was so happy seconds ago, but my heart aches. I struggle to quiet the lies that have been spoken into my life as truth, declaring to me that I'm a failure, that I'm not smart enough, that I'm lazy, that I lack a backbone, and that I'll end up alone.

I've been reminded many times this week that I'm in a different season of life than those I'm surrounded by. I have a permanent weekly Skype date with my two best friends. One is married with two beautiful babies, and one is married and fighting a hard fight for children of her own. Another best friend recently married a wonderful man who loves her and her, now their, two boys and are in the process of buying a home together. Other dear friends of mine very much deserve and were hired into a job I desperately wanted for myself. I'm SO, deep down in my heart, over the moon for my friends and the amazing lives they've found themselves to be in. Yet, my heart aches, and I hear the false truths mocking me again, quietly announcing to me that I'm a failure, not smart enough, too lazy, and very much without a partner.

I know I am loved. The Lord has gently, and at times abruptly, placed people in my life along the way to reveal to me how much I am loved and cherished. My life is so good right now. I have a wonderful job, my kids are healthy, their dad and I are on good terms, I'm surrounded by great people, and I've created a wonderful home for my little family. We're doing good! But, I am being transparent that in ALL the overwhelming joy I have in my life, in all my celebrations, wonderful times, perfect-to-me  friends, and life I've created- my heart still aches for more. My life is far from perfect, and I certainly am not trying to live a fa├žade that it is. This life is HARD. I take much pride in the life I've created, but it's definitely easy to fall into lala land and what if I had done things differently.  This isn't ever how I dreamed my life would look.

In my previous life I would often be asked, "What would you do if I wasn't here? What would you be doing? How would Rhonda make decisions if I didn't exist?" and my answer was, "I've lived my life in a way so that I didn't have to make these decisions or carry the weight of it all on my own."  I married the first man I loved, the first man I slept with. I tried to do things the right way. Yet, here I am, weeping on my computer, without my children in the next room, while I make people uncomfortable reading my diary and my battle stories of emotional abuse.

I'm a survivor. I am happy. Yet my heart aches and I hear the words again:

“...you're scared, that's okay with me.' You're a failure. Your marriage failed. You're failing at work. You can't afford a vacation. You will never afford a house. You didn't get that job. You don't have a degree. You're not smart enough. You're lazy. You're a liar. Look at the weight you've gained. Look at what a mess your house is. You're a terrible cook. You'll certainly never finish school because you're so lazy. You don't have a backbone. Those guys at work have backbones. They got the job you wanted-as if you had any chance of that against them. You are alone. You want to be chased? lol I don't see anyone around. You're hard. You're damaged. You're too difficult. You're too dramatic. Way too revealing about your life. ‘it will hold strong. You cannot escape the truth’ You have no time. You're frumpy and awkward and boring. No wonder there are so many first dates and so few seconds and definitely no thirds. ‘With your bitterness, hatred, non conformance, pride and small mindedness haha, so glad I'm not with that for the rest of my life! Good lord, you're a special breed of crazy.”

The enemy uses these phrases to keep me in the darkness, to ensure dominance over my life. The enemy dances these words around me, disguising them as truth with tap shoes on that rat, tat, tat on my heart relentlessly on and on, leaving me defeated and weak. This is the lala land that emotional abuse has abandon me in.

 

"Don't you think I hear the whispers

those subtle lies, those angry pleas

They're just demons, demons

Wishing they were free like me."

 

The truth is I am enough. I know I deserve greatness. I've started an incredible career for myself and am the sole provider for my children, and we’re MAKING IT. The truth is I have a linen closet full of extra blankets, and we have clothes all over the damn place. We have a messy home because we have a home that we live and play in and are abundantly blessed to have filled. The truth is I'm kicking ass and the lies that were declared to me are in fact false. I'll continue to battle them with truth, I'll continue to learn, and fail, and cry and address the invisible scars I've collected like stamps in a passport as I’ve traveled back and forth to lala land. I'll continue to dance to the music of the truth that I am free and I am oh, so worthy of love.