Friday, January 30, 2015

For those not 'in it'

There are some quotes, scriptures, passages, sayings and songs that you just don't understand fully until you're in it such as, "Divorce is a funeral no one attends."

No one knows how to reply. No one knows how to respond. Even those those who have been through it-theres just not much people can do. It's such a range of emotions and theres no where to go but through it and keep going. Even if you're the one initiating the motion, there's still so much to mourn and so much heartache.

I'm in it. I was 1 whole person, and then became a totally new person as I was joined with another 1 whole person, and now we're apart and I am half a person. I know that math doesn't really add up, but it's truth. That's why divorce is so hard. Two people become one flesh and when that's torn apart - no matter the reasoning, hurts you both have or have caused - it's painful and it sucks.

All will be fine;  I'll just be bee-boppin' along, drinking my morning coffee, jammin' to the new Taylor Swift, going through the day the day, the new norm's and BAM it hits. This gut wrenching ache and pain you didn't even know was humanly possible to survive. This overwhelming sadness, heartache, loss and fear.

I'm in it. I'm trying to figure out how to survive being just half a person.

I've not yet had to handle the death of someone in my immediate world, friends siblings, accuantainces, teachers, grandparents in other states, greats, and step family, but no one too close...yet. And I cannot imagine the pain and difficulty of trying to wrap my brain and heart around the fact that someone is just not here anymore.

In death everyone typically finds out about the loss within a couple days. Everyone pretty much knows exactly what happend. We have a funeral as closure. We send flowers. Cook food. A Shiva call in the Jewish culture. Everyone comes together to mourn that loss, or at least begin that process together... although I'm sure it's a much longer journey thereafter. But those feelings are obvious and its just known that you're hurting and feeling loss.

Life around you keeps existing and it doesn't make sense how it does but it does. People go to work; they are in traffic, in lines at HEB, tweeting away. Life around keeps existing.

Divorce is different.

There's no ceremony.
There's no Shiva Call.

Everyone doesn't find out about a divorce at the same time-and if they do they are being nosey and gossiping, and "shame on them," right? It's amazing how many people you havent talked to in years "just wanted to say 'hey" after you change your name on Facebook. Right.

People rarely know the real reasons for what is happening. Often they feel they have to choose a side, or just do naturally without realizing it (please know in our situation, you dont need to pick a side... actually please dont pick a side.) There are a lot of assumptions and tip toeing around and hush hush, and checking the ring finger until just everyone just figures it out and stops asking...or honestly, I dont know... I'm still waiting to see what happens.

But still, life around you keeps existing people still go to work; they are in traffic, in lines at HEB, tweeting away. Life around keeps existing.

No one in the halls of this enormous work place knows the heartache I'm feeling.
No one knows that I have $7 in my bank account and a bill going through tomorrow.
No one knows that I'm not being shy or rude, I just know if I open my mouth and say anything at this moment the tears will fall and then my face will be red for the next 2 hours. Although I must say, I've become an almost-expert at crying at my desk without those around me knowing. (ie. now as I write this blog.)
No one understands why I don't want to hear your advice or your opinions.
No one understands why I will still stand up and defend the person that I'm no longer one with.
No one understands that I don't always need your encouragement, just empathy. Not sympathy.
No one understands that I just don't want to be around people today.
No one understands that tomorrow I just really really really need to be surrounded by people and laugh and laugh...and then half way through that time might need to sneak away because its too much.
No one understands how many individual and seperate things and people I'm currently mourning.
No one understands that I. just. need. a hug.

Don't think that I'm just depressed, hum drum, broken and sad all the time. It's day to day. And sometimes minute to minute. Jesus restores the brokenhearted and I know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.

Honestly, I dont have a great solid take away from today's post.

I do have many hugs for those that are in it and those will go though it.
I have open ears when needed.
I have no advice, other than just keep getting up, keep going.
I have a kitchen that I can cook you dinner (but I must warn you I'm an awful cook.)
I have sappy movies and a love for ice cream.
I have a Savior that is crying right beside you too.
I have silence because that's often needed.. as well as good playlists on Pandora.

Keep going. And try not to be so nosey, y'all.

I did come across this article that was extremely encouraging to me, and if you're in this place I encourage you to read it as well.

PSALM 30.11