Pain in my Neck...

It’s 12:22pm, and I’m lying In bed with a shooting pain down my neck and into my right shoulder and there isn't a single thing I can do about it.  

This has been an easy week. I wasn’t playing rough with the kids, my softball game was cancelled due to the rain, nothing...but tonight, somewhere between making dinner, reading books to my kids, and Skyping with my two best girlfriends I tweaked my neck and now will lie awake throughout the night, trying as hard as I can not to move a muscle that would make me lose my breath and face wince in terrible pain. 

I’d say 'oh it’s ok, just get through the night and go to the doctor in the morning'...but what’s the point? They will tell me to go to a specialist, chiropractor, or physical therapist, who will not be covered by my insurance, they will require X-rays to really understand the problem, which also will not be covered by my health insurance. I don’t have thousands or even hundreds of dollars in savings to pay out of pocket. So I will suffer in pain until it subsides, until the next time it happens, which seems to be about every 6 weeks. 

I was raised very right wing Republican. While I’m thankful for this upbringing, I am even more thankful that I have grown away from it.  I'm fairly certain 95% of my family is still very right wing Republican. And that’s okay, but I am not. 

I believe in standing for the flag but will proudly hold the hand of a kneeling neighbor. My family is too military and law enforcement thick not to stand, but I weep and mourn with the families & friends of those murdered by people who were irresponsible with their power. I own a gun, I believe in smarter gun reform. I would never chose abortion, but I believe in what planned parenthood does (more than abortion information, btw). I could go on and on but as I lie here in incredible pain I’m personally offended that I cannot receive the proper healthcare I need. 

I do not and have never received state assistance, and that’s not because I am unwilling or too proud, but because I do not qualify. I am, in fact, a privileged white girl. I know this. I am a single mom, with a great support system, and am well aware the support I have is not the support everyone has. I have a GREAT job that I love. I do well for myself for not having a degree or as many years experience as my peers. I believe in what I do, I thoroughly enjoy my coworkers and the people I connect with everyday. However, I am a contracted employee, so while I do have healthcare that meets the requirements of the government, it is not enough to meet my medical needs. 

I know two people that were diagnosed with cancer on the same day. Both are currently in the thick of fighting their battles. When you hear news like theirs, you think of how you would react if you were in their situation....my thoughts? “Oh, I’d be totally fucked.” 

And then I think about those in my family and friends who post their arguments online who are completely against healthcare reform and the government giving "handouts,' saying "people are lazy and need to work harder to provide for themselves." This is why I call bullshit to it all. 

I have a great job and an ex-husband that is currently providing child support, yet I am totally and completely screwed if my kids break their leg at a trampoline park, or if any of these various symptoms I have are something more serious...but I probably wouldn’t know until it’s too late because I cannot get the healthcare I need. I am not a dead beat. I am not lazy. I am not looking for a hero to save me or  willing to stay in a marriage just for the insurance, which would then just land me more in debt and divorced again. I am just asking for the ability to fight to survive if it came down to it, or even just some serious pain medication and an X-ray. 

THIS is why people are angry. This is why people are bouncing from the Republican Party at an incredible rate; there is no compassion or ability to empathize with someone. There is only greed, bigger fences, and looking out for ones self. 

The two options I’m given over and over are: 

Get on Universal Healthcare or private insurance: based on my income, Obamacare is too expensive, I cannot afford it.  Private insurance is incredibly expensive. Neither of these are realistic. 

Get a different job: I do not have a degree, and I do not have enough years of experience to make my current income anywhere else. I do not make an astronomical amount of money, however, I meet the needs of my family without outside assistance. I am blessed, I am quite aware. My current position, although contract, is providing me tenure on my resume with an incredibly reputable company name. Believe me, I’ve looked and been offered other positions. But even with their healthcare options, I would take too large a pay cut to provide for my family. 

My point isn’t about woe is me- even though my neck fucking hurts and I worry about my kids getting injured or sick everyday- my point is to just take a minute to listen to people. Real stories. Real humans. And know that every single time you battle against things like providing healthcare, people kneeling, shaming women at a clinic, or holding onto your precious assault rifle, there is a “me” literally dying because of it.