Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Big Love

“Big Love, -R”

This is my favorite way to sign letters and emails.  I don't mean it as a quick advertisement for an HBO show, but more to give a visual. I mean it to feel like a hug, to paint a picture of something larger than a 'love ya' and maybe less than "I love you", but I have BIG LOVE for you. We all have different types of relationships in our lives, they might all look a little different but the one thing that bonds people is dealing with hardship and struggle, and seeing it through to the other side. If there is a huge deadline at work, seeing teamwork and support for each other makes a workforce stronger. In a marriage, pushing through the fights and the really hard stuff bonds you together. Walking through the fire with friends and family, in whatever hell or struggle they're in, tightens that relationship and builds that trust. I believe that as humans we’re created for relationships.

I brag about my friends often, because they have been my life-line over the past two years. So, when it comes to my very best friends, I know I'm fiercely loved by them. I think of them as protectors, people who often see my value more than I do, keep me encircled, and keep me protected. They constantly remind me that I am to be treasured, and they will accept nothing less for me. They keep their arms locked in a circle around me, like an impossible game of Red Rover for anyone who tries to pursue. I treasure this circle of friends and the fierce love they provide me. 

In dating relationships I struggle terribly, on one hand, with not being in a hurry, and on the other, wanting to unleash this love I have stored away. I so badly want to share this love, but it's not just for anyone, and despite what's been suggested to me as of late, I am very much not desperate. The boy I dated last year could, in the same breath, make me feel absolutely treasured & adored as well as a complete after thought. It was truly quite a talent. We had our predictable weekly schedule and that's how it remained, Wednesday was date night and the occasional Friday or Saturday unless of course he had a family event, or football, a holiday, or was out of town... He kept me in my box, and I wasn't to peek over the top to try and see anything outside my calendar days. This relationship left me feeling like I was “rushing him,” but there is a difference between not moving too fast and not moving at all. One of my favorite lyrics is “my love’s too big for you, my love,” I’ll sing it over and over and over because; I tell you what, my loves too big to fit in a box.

The love I feel from God is that I am His favorite... the same way I think you are His favorite. The same way Collins is my favorite because she's so smart and hilarious and witty and so beautiful, and Austin is my favorite because he's tender hearted, and sensitive and cuddle and so stinkin' adorable. I don't know what God looks like, but I imagine him as a big burley kind of guy, nothing fancy or over the top in a white robe. I imagine He is enjoying observing my life as I would a toddler stumbling around trying to figure things out. I picture Him redirecting me at times, sneaking away dangers before I reach them or even see them coming… I think He enjoys me and adores me, sits with me in the darkness, links arms with me through the hard stuff, laughs when I dance, and more often than not, face palms when I'm totally getting it wrong. I think He loves me like I am His favorite. 

I’ve experienced contingent love, something that looks like love, but does not feel like love. From my experiences, mean people don’t bother me a bit; I keep them at bay. But mean people who disguise themselves as nice people bother me a lot. Unfortunately, I’ve experienced this most from people who say they follow Jesus.  They might follow Him, but they haven’t watched Him, learned from Him, and made any attempt to align themselves with His love. They twist and turn and make someone pure and beautiful into something very dirty and offensive. This is not my Jesus. Jesus was love.  He didn’t love people in spite of their struggle; he just loved them because they are people. This is BIG love. Nichole Nordemon’s song ‘Dear Me’ says, “and sit at all the tables, ‘cause Jesus eats with everyone.” This line makes me cry every time. This is Big love. This is the love I’m talking about.

I’m an introvert, so when I meet someone I struggle to let them in sometimes, and my resting bitch face does not help the situation. (I have friends to this day that say they thought I was such a bitch when we first met because, as one put it “your face is truly dreadful.”) But I feel love for people DEEP in my bones. The only way I know how to describe Big Love is as a mixture of all of these things. My love is big, but it has boundaries to keep it BIG. My love is Big, but it's mine to give away, not for you to take. My love is Big, as my heart breaks when other people’s breaks. My love is Big as I cry in celebration with candidates who take a sigh of relieve that they now have a job. My love is Big, when the kids and I hand out water bottles, food, an umbrella, a coat and anything else we have to give to the man on the corner of the road. My love is Big, so I sometimes leave kind notes on parked Police cars. My love is Big, and that’s why I can still seek love from a partner even though it's been taken advantage of before. My love is Big so I cheer for those who advance around me even when I disagree or feel envy. My love is Big so I can still believe that Jesus is good, even though people represent him so poorly. It's messy and it really doesn't make sense, it’s not fair or just, and I fail a lot of times... many times in my own home, and often when I'm speaking to myself.  This is Big Love, it cannot be contained in a box. I have Big Love because I’ve received Big Love, and Jesus’ love refused to stay in a box. 

Big Love, 
-R

1 comment: