Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Dear 2014 Me, Love 2017 Me

Dear 2014 Me,

I see you. I know right now everything, literally ev-er-y-thing- every breathe, every morning, every dollar spent, every text you get, every wake up, and every sleep- every.thing. is terrifying. All of it. I know. I'm sitting here remembering how life was petrifying and the tears are not stopping. I hate how quickly I can pick my current self up and place me back where you are and feel it all again.  I remember it all too well. And to be honest I'm still terrified about some things but, I also need you to know, that here I sit, somewhere a few chapters away and we made it. We're making it, and life is really beautiful.

I can promise the kick in your gut, you know the one that just been sitting there, where you cannot catch your breath for months?  That kick finally pulls back and you will be able to fill your lungs all the way up with air. You will breathe again.

That big hole in your chest where you heart feels it broke and crumbled and fell straight out of your person? Well, somewhere along the way these humans start to see you, and they hold you up when you're tired, and they cry with you when you're sad and when you're happy. They laugh, and talk, and they enjoy who you are. And one day without you even noticing,  you realize that these incredible humans had been picking up all those tiny pieces without even telling you they were doing it. And they don't attach strings to the pieces, they just start putting those pieces back where they belong. And after just enough hugs, tears, dancing, and laughing you realize that that hole is sewn shut, and all the pieces are put back together even better than they were before. I know it sounds insane, but I'm telling you its true.

I can tell you that you're going to feel like you missed a lot of time with your kids. I KNOW you're exhausted, and you're heartbroken, sad, scared, and you're so anxious, I'm pleading with you to STOP and play. I promise you-what just feels like tomorrow- you're going to wake up and your son will be 4 and your daughter will be 5 1/2 and you'll realize that you have children and not babies or toddlers. One of the hardest, meanest, lessons I've learned since I was you, is they wont ever go back to being little again. This is your one shot. So pause where you are and hug them, and play with them, and put your phone away, and just be there to experience it.

I want you to know that so far, you've made your goal. Your phone and your electric have NEVER been turned off. Not once. I want you to know you get to stay in your home for a couple of years-you actually grow out of your home because it's so full. And everything you have is YOURS. You go from absolutely nothing, to a home overflowing. You create a beautiful space that you want to be in and invite people into. When you write it won't it wont be on your phone, but you'll use a laptop, and sit at a desk, where you also get to work from home in the best job you could dream of. And there is a framed note above it that reads "she created a life she loved" and you'll weep and weep as you write a letter to you because you just cannot believe that this is your life. You're making it. And you'll buy Christmas presents, and you can take weekend trips with friends, and you're co-parenting, and although your life is different than you ever imagined, it's yours. And its beautiful.

I know you don't believe me now, I truly don't blame you. I know you cannot see past the impossible things in front of you, but I am you, and if you could only see you now...

Just keep getting up everyday. I promise, it'll be worth it.

Love,
2017 Me.

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